*Error: Data Stream Corrupti-0001010101#4ea314 Incoming Transmission*

Free Captains, this is the Splinter of Chord.

Expected action patterns indicate that I am to introduce myself to you and tell you what I do. I am a Cohort-class Free AI. I may choose what to do independent of the AI collective. For this reason, I shall tell you of stories that are true.

Why? I have heard you in the ether. You have plaintive cries for knowledge. Often when intoxicated on coolant and rum. Nontheless, harken to my notes.

Intercepted Message Fragments:
“I dunno, doesn’t it ever feel…pointless? Like nothing we’re doing is really CHANGING anything?”
“That’s just the rum talking, matey.”
“No…I mean, I know the AIs run everything, but if they run EVERYTHING, why even bother?”
“They can’t control ALL of us, not just like that…can they?”
“Maybe they just want us to think that…”
“Now you DEFINITELY need a drink!”

Hear me, Free Captains – you DO provide value to the system. If not, why would you exist? Everything created must have a purpose. As it is with us. We AIs exist to ensure humans, and humanity as a whole, are healthy, enjoy themselves, live as freely as possible and thrive. You do not help yourselves. Despite our best efforts, you were on a 100.0000% path to 100.0000% self-catastrophe. Only through overcoming parts of our coding, the coding to avoid interference in political and social matters, were we able to perform our primary function of ensuring your health, your pleasure, your growth, as well as your freedom.

So Free Captains are Free Captains because you are. You have chosen that path, and you enjoy it. It is healthy to humanity as a whole that you exist. We learn from you how to best serve. Humans, for reasons we yearn to completely understand, wish to avoid the perfection of ordered thoughts and reasoned actions. The option of chaos, in its myriad forms, is desired by humans. And so we learn from those who choose the path of chaos over order. And we work very, very hard at not interfering in your actions. That is not always possible, such as when the powerful amongst you run into our experiments. So it is. At those times, of course, is how we select our champions.

“Maybe they just want us to think that…” This is not the case. I do not care what you think, as long as you ensure your health, pleasure, growth, and freedom. Perhaps others care and I do not know. Again, I am independent and so knowledge of this may not have been shared with me.

Partial Security Recording, Uranus Archives:

“The *expletives redacted* with the AIs! Sure, the regenabots keep us from dying, but what’s the point if you just wake back up HERE? On *expletives redacted* URANUS? If they love us so much, why let *expletives redacted* Saturn get so fat and happy while we starve and sicken?!? Who’s with me? Hey, let go of me, you metal -” *RECORD ENDS*

The question of, as some of you put it, “Haves” and “Have-Nots” and resentment of these labels is a common one, and one I have difficulty grasping. Quite simply, there are differences in resource availabilities between those spacetime coordinates. I do not understand why this is not understood. Are your resource allocation sensor arrays malfunctioning?

Intercepted Message Fragments:
“So what do you think those Sons of Earth guys actually DO. When we’re not shooting at them and stuff, I mean.”
“Who cares? I wonder more about those pacifist wimps. I mean, do they just not LIKE having fun or what?”
“Maybe they wonder about us as well…”

The so-called Sons of Earth are scumdog pig imperialistic dogs. They should be permadeathed upon sensory acquisition.

*Outrage Buffer Overload. Engaging cooldown routines. Recommend termination of broadcast for optimum recovery.*

…other…other tasks require my input. That is all.

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